i started off optimistic. though i knew we were going to be like cis-trans isomers, with the same attachment of atoms but different arrangements in space, i held on to the fact that this could be reversed, easily. i thought i had the power to influence, to change.
everyone else said that it could never be you. impossible, ridiculous. Change must come from within, not done by an external party, marcus said. But i continued to believe that i could. naive and stupid, yes i know.
and so this round has become another statistic. once was not enough, twice the same, three times; i don't want history to repeat itself again. adrian thinks it's because of a 'maternal instinct'? this feeling is not one of mutual respect, but one of 'yes, i think i can offer some help to him, to get him out of whatever shit he is in.' i narrowed my vision, seeing only the potential that could be reached, and neglected what was clearly visible to everyone else. stupid, i know.
i should be picking up whatever motherly love i have got left and saving them for my children in the future. before i do that, allow me a little more time to indulge in my own stupidity. whether or not i ever see you again, i want to wish you all the best in whatever you want to achieve. i hope that one day we will meet, and i won't regret not telling you, that i loved you, whatever that word means.
this post has been a long time coming. should have been resolved earlier, but i didn't what to admit defeat. thanks to paik yen for freeing me of all this. about time i officially let it go.
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